What’s a great gift for the person who has everything?
And the answer, of course, is:
Just get them another one of the cool things they already have. So then they’ll have a backup. They won’t give a shit anyway, trust me.
But if after you consider that advice you’re still ambitious about gift-giving and also somehow lack the ability to have an original idea of your own, I do have a couple ideas I can share.
You see, the trick to memorable gift-giving is to forget the entire realm of things that have already been gifts in the past. I bet you can’t believe you didn’t think of that, but don’t beat yourself up. Knowing that is only the start. You still have to apply that philosophy and actually come up with an idea, which is the tough part for people who prefer not to think too hard about things.
How about this: Peek for him! Figure out what everyone else is giving him, then make a list of those gifts (and their prices, of course), taking care to ensure that your list is the first thing he opens.
Forget what you’ve heard. These gift ideas will work for any person, so you don’t even have to really get to know someone. Yet I guarantee that if you use one of these, it will be the most personal gift the recipient has ever been given. For example: Convince your friend that his wife is cheating on him, then on Christmas Day reveal that it was just a joke. There’s no better gift than finding out your spouse is not having an affair. Could Saint Nicholas himself ever top that? Go the extra mile: Be the one that the wife might be having an affair with! This makes it that much more special when you break the news.
They say the gift of cash is impersonal, which is true if you just hand someone some of your money. But if you steal his identity and take out several large loans for him, you’ll be giving him the gift of money and the sense of responsibility and pride that come along with repaying a debt. Go the extra mile: Lie about his income when applying for the loan so that you can borrow more money than he ever could on his own.
Speaking of the excitement of responsibility, consider adopting a child in his name — the gift that lasts a lifetime, give or take.
There are more ways to give cash that don’t involve gauchely writing him a check, too. Find out if he’s a beneficiary on anyone’s life insurance policy, and use that information to help him get paid. I think you know what I’m saying. For future investigation purposes, you may not want to ever tell him about it, but getting credit is not what giving is about.
Or maybe involve his family, which is what the holidays are all about. Get his sister super hooked on meth so that he definitely becomes his parents’ favorite child. You can’t put that in a stocking. Go the extra mile: To make your friend the favorite faster, forget getting her hooked on meth; instead, convince her to go back to school and get an MFA in theater.
Any of these is an interesting, personal, memorable gift that no one will expect and that they’ve certainly never been given before. But the most unexpected gift you can give is my personal favorite of all of them: Blow all your money on a lavish vacation for yourself. If he is a true friend, your happiness will be his top priority.